


It’s only nights like these when I feel alive

by Gayhem



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: Bisexuality, Cris is gay as fuck and doesn’t know how to handle it... until she does, Every time Cris feels that gay spark, F/F, Pining, Repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-06-23 11:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19700701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayhem/pseuds/Gayhem
Summary: The first time Cris realizes she’s different she’s thirteen. Her limbs are a little too long, and her teeth slightly too big for her mouth.





	1. First

The first time it happens she’s thirteen and longhaired at her first party. She’s been growing lately. Her body not quite settled in her skin. Her limbs are gangly, her face full like the moon. She’s off-kilter, all elbows and knees and too-bright eyes. She looks too young to be here. Secondary school is big, strange. There are so many kids that are so much older than her. The night air is young and cool on her skin, and she can’t help but smile. She clings to Amira and grins. Amy has always been there, and together they’re invincible. They link arms and push through the entry way and into the house. 

The party is overwhelming, all sweat and bodies dancing to the roar of the music. The lights are dimmed and flashing as people grind, and drink, and laugh. The room is dingy, thick with booze and sex, and Cris thinks that it’s the most wonderful place she’s ever been. She and Amira grab drinks before dashing into the thick of it, laughing at the top of their lungs as the music embraces them. 

They whirl together, giggling as Amira glances around self-consciously. She tugs Cris back towards the couch, where they collapse together. It feels so good to be with her best friend on such a magical night, but Amira looks nervous. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or the couples kissing in the corner of the room, or the smell of smoke lingering in the stagnant air, but Cris wants her to feel as good as she does. She locks eyes with a girl from her class from across the room, and then suddenly they’re swept downstairs to her bedroom with a group of their classmates. 

“ Cris, I’m so glad you guys could make it! Now we have an even number of guys and girls, which makes these games so much more fun.”  
Cris stares at the other girl… Inés? with confusion until she notices the bottle, playing cards, and bowl of paper slips on the ground. It looks like Ines had been planning a party of her own. She grinned and pushed forward, dragging Amira behind her. 

Despite Inés’ words more boys and girls tricked into the room over the next 20 minutes, until there were about 14 of them crammed into that tiny bedroom. They were drunk off their first two beers and joy of their first “real” party. They crowded onto the floor and played card games, the losers chugging their beers, grimacing at the taste. 

Inés’ eyes flashed as she suddenly stood up on the bed.  
“Guys, you know what, I’m getting tired of this. I think we should up the anti a little bit.”  
“What are you taking about Inés?” said Hugo from the back of the room.  
“Either we play strip poker or truth or dare.” Inés said triumphantly. The group looked at each other nervously, not sure whether on not to move. Finally, one of the boys swept the cards under the bed.  
“It would be way too much work to teach everyone to play poker, let’s just play truth or dare instead.” He said.  
Cris grinned impishly; she was going to embarrass the fuck out of her classmates. This was going to be fun. She grabbed another beer and sat next to Amira, squeezing her arm reassuringly. 

Truth or Dare is really only fun if you’re drunk or stupid; luckily everyone in the room was both. The muted thrum of the party upstairs was intoxicating; coaxing everyone to be bolder, braver than usual. The awkwardness dissipated in the haze of the beat. Soon Jorge was wearing his boxers as a hat, Lucas was desperately trying to hold Christian above his head, and Eva had to sit on everyone’s lap for a whole minute each. Needless to say, Cris was having a great time. 

“Cris truth or dare?” said Lucas.  
“Dare, obviously.”  
“I dare you to kiss Inés.” 

All of the sudden her mouth went dry, as a blush bloomed all the way from her cheeks to the tips of her ears. Her teeth felt too big for her mouth, and her tongue was thick and heavy like it was made of leather. Her palms itched. She leaned forward and kissed Inés full on the lips. It felt nice, if a bit strange. It was better than kissing that boy at the school dance last year; Inés didn’t try to cram her tongue down her throat. Her lips were soft and warm. Then, it sparked. Kissing her was electric, sharp and hot. It tasted like ozone and sweat and, oh god it felt good. Cris froze. She pulled back, gasping, trying her best not to look as shocked as she felt. Cris attempted a grin and winked at one of the boys; she grabbed one drink, and then another. The rest of the night blurred together and Cris tried to forget. 

\---

She was kissing Inés again. This time it was in a dark hallway, her back against a wall, and Inés’ lips on hers. There were no boys to kiss for this time, but Inés’ mouth was soft and insistent on hers, and Cris felt like she was on fire. Her fingers wove their way into her hair and pulled Inés even closer. Inés’ hands curled around her waist. Cris was desperate for her touch, knowing in the back of her mind that it was wrong, but in that moment not caring. Inés’ body felt like a fire and Cris was happy to be burned up in it.  
She was kissing a girl. Cris marveled at the thought as they moved to the muted rumble of the bass upstairs. All at once they pulled away from each other, their chests heaving. Inés’ pupils were blown wide and her cheeks were flushed. Cris wanted to kiss her again, to pull her back to her mouth and kiss her breathless and ruddy. Goddammit she wanted to kiss her until the night was dead and gone. 

The bathroom door slammed open and they sprang away from each other, guiltily. A drunken boy stumbled out of the bathroom and began heading upstairs. Inés stumbled backwards, looking around with wide eyes. Her chest heaved, gasping in and out as she braced her hands against the wall. She looked at Cris with a mixture of longing and revulsion, and then dashed away. Cris slumped down slowly, still dizzy from the heat of it all. Her eyesight felt hazy. She blinked sluggishly, leaning her head back against the wall. Her breaths slowed as she lay there. Her lips tingled, wine dark and flushed from Inés’ mouth. Her fingers trailed up towards them, just to touch, just to see if it was real, if it really happened. Cris’ hand froze in midair. She shook her head and went to go find Amira. 

The next day Inés wouldn’t look her in the eyes at school. Inés never really looked at Cris again, not like she used to, and certainly not the way she had looked on the night of the party. Every time Cris met her eyes Inés dropped her gaze, flinching like she’d been burned. She avoided her, shying away when she heard Cris’ voice in the halls. Cris tried not to let it bother her. She threw her arms around Amira and laughed. She tried to forget.


	2. Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second time it happened, Cris was 16.

The second time Cris felt it she was at another party. She was older, grown into herself. There was a _rightness_ to the curve of her mouth, and the stretch of her limbs. When she danced her hips rose and fell with a self-assured smoothness. Her hair hung in ringlets down her back, framing her face in gold. 

It felt good, the smoothness of her dancing; the cool weight of the cup in her hand. The music roared and the people raved. Their eyes glinted with the kind of madness only brought on by a Halloween party. It was disturbing and comforting all at once, the subversion of it all. 

The party lights glowed with an assortment of colors, turning the world into kaleidoscopic chaos. Cris was invincible, in her element. Everyone wants the fool at a party, and she played her role expertly. Cris tipped the scales just so, letting the others loosen. The icebreaker, the clown, the slut, she fit into these personas like they were a second skin; curling up into them as the night wore on. 

**

She almost pitied them, the girls in love. She watched the anxiety grow on Nora and Viri’s faces as Alejandro walked in. Watched Eva look desperately for Jorge, watched the dozens of girls pine desperately after lovers, or almost lovers. Cris never wanted to feel like that. They were so desperate for attention, for love. 

It was easy, finding a boy, kissing him or hooking up for a night, leaving when she got what she wanted. Her body moved but her heart didn’t stir. It hadn’t for a long time. It was better this way, to stay in the haze of drunkenness. It smoothed the edges of her, made her palatable and fun. 

Cris wondered if anyone would like her if they peeled the layers away, if she was just Cris, not Cris the Clown or Cris the Crazy. She shook that thought away. It didn’t matter, because this was a party, and parties were where Cris fit best. 

“The girls need a distraction,” She thought. “Especially Viri.” 

“Hey girls, putivuelta!” “Come on let’s look around!”  
“Yes, yes putivuelta!!!” chanted Viri. 

Cris was pleasantly buzzed as she and Viri slipped away from the others and into the crowd. A putivuelta, the slut round; she scanned the faces in the crowd, looking for one that caught her eye. There were plenty of boys, some handsome, some not. Nothing interesting it seemed. 

She looked for Viri, spotting her talking to… some senior girls? While unusual, it wasn’t entirely out of character for her. She really shouldn’t be talking to those girls; Amira warned her that they were cruel without reason… and Viri, bless her, will annoy the shit out of them. This was bad. Cris needed to get her out of there before shit got messy. 

She approached Viri, placing a hand on her shoulder and the other on the waist. “Viri, my little kitty cat, let’s go back to the others. I think Amira is looking for us.” Viri whirled around, her eyes hard and glinting. It wasn’t Viri; it was a senior girl who was also dressed as a cat. 

“Oh my god I’m so sorry! I thought you were my friend. You guys have the same costume.” Said Cris.  
The other girl’s eyes softened. “Hey don’t worry about it, it was an honest mistake.  
You’re Cris right? I’ve seen you around.”  
“Yeah, I didn’t know you guys knew my name.”  
“I’m Elena, you should hang with us for a bit.”  
“Okay, cool.” 

“Come on, let’s dance!” Elena took Cris’ hand and pulled her away from the others. Her touch was almost gentle as she led her forward.  
Elena giggled, “I didn’t realize you were so much taller than me.”  
“I had a growth spurt two years ago. Finally came into myself, you know?”  
For a second Elena’s face changed. Her eyes darkened, she looked… hungry.  
“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” 

Suddenly, it was hard for Cris to look right at her. She was glad that Elena was shorter than her. Cris’ hands were on Elena’s shoulders. Elena’s hands danced from Cris’ waist to her arms and back again as they talked. They swayed together to the music. 

It was hard to focus, hard to breathe properly. Cris could only feel Elena’s body so close to hers, too close, not close enough. She had left her drink long ago, no excuse to move away, no cool shield of alcohol to protect her. She couldn’t focus on the conversation. She only felt the searing heat of Elena’s hands on her hips. It was intoxicating. 

The music changed. Cris felt the beat resonate in her bones. She trembled; she was on fire, alight. Elena said something funny, and finally, finally, Cris looked at her again. She was leaning down before she even knew what was happening. 

They were kissing. 

They were kissing in the middle of a party, in a room full of people who could all see them. Cris didn’t care. Her lips were burning; her waist was burning. Cris was on fire and she did not want to stop. It almost hurt. Elena was kissing her back fervently, as if she had wanted this for a while. 

Cris pulled her closer, lacing her fingers behind Elena’s neck. It was sort of hard to reach her. Cris had to bend her neck at a funny angle. They swayed to the beat, and then stumbled. A laugh bubbled up in her throat. Suddenly they were both laughing, Cris’ hands on Elena’s shoulders, Elena’s hands on Cris’ waist. 

“Why don’t we get out of here.” Said Elena.  
Cris’ mouth went dry. She felt color rise to her cheeks. Her palms started to itch. It was a … familiar feeling. It reminded her of something, some half-buried memory. She gulped.  
“Okay.” 

Elena tugged at Cris’ wrist. “This way, Alejandro won’t mind.”  
“Okay.” 

***  
They were in a dark hallway towards the back of the house. Cris didn’t really know where she was. Cris really didn’t care. All she felt was fire. Elena’s legs were wrapped around her hips and her back was against the wall. She was kissing Cris like it was breathing. All Cris felt was mouth, and teeth and heat. 

Elena’s fingers held Cris’ head tight, pulling at the nape of her neck. She felt nails scrape down from her nape to her back. Cris gasped, then pulled Elena even closer. She was so fucking hungry. Cris skimmed her hands over Elena’s back and stomach, feeling the sliver of skin where her shirt had ridden up.

Oh god. 

Amira was yelling. Amira was yelling, Cris heard Nora and Lucas too. Her blood went ice cold, and she froze still. “I'm sorry, but I have to go.” said Cris. This couldn’t be good; Amira doesn’t raise her voice like that. What if someone got hurt while she was gone. 

She let go of Elena, pushed it out of her mind and ran back into the party. Eva was holding her cheek and Jorge and Lucas were holding Lara back as she screamed and lunged at Eva. 

Cris rushed to Eva’s side, unsure of what to do. She tugged at he elbow and pulled her outside.  
“Hey, you okay?”  
Eva had tears in her eyes. She shook her head.  
Cris held out her arms and embraced Eva, rocking her gently. She should have been there to help. Cris felt the bile rise up in her mouth. If she hadn’t been so busy kissing that girl… 

Cris shook her head, and tried to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewatched 1x8 like 6 times to write this. 
> 
> Fun fact, my computer hasn't had a backspace key in over three years.


	3. The Third Time

Hugo’s party was different. 

The bar was crowded with people, full of wonderful chaos. Cris thrived on the flashing lights, on the heavy rumble of music and words shouted across rooms. She lived for the dancing, for the kissing that may or many not follow afterwards. She lived for the feeling of freedom that came from leaving all of her worries behind. Cris thought, that she was a creature of the twilight, best after nightfall. She was the keeper of secrets, the bringer discord, the grand god of revelry. 

Feeling powerful was good, and Cris felt _important_. She felt… loved. 

When Cris was drunk, she was her favorite version of herself. The drunker she became, the better she felt. Her insecurities melted away into the spinning haze of intoxication. She could feel the Earth surge beneath her feet, feel hot breath graze her neck, and the arms of Viri as they embraced; laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world, being there. 

She loved the way her eyes would sway in and out of focus, loved the muffling of sound and the looseness of body. She loved the warm cheeks and dull tongue; she loved the timelessness and the near invincibility of her body. She could fall, but the ground would never hurt her, not when she was like this. 

She pushed onward. She tasted the bitter taste of alcohol on her tongue as someone gave her a sip of their drink. She brushed shoulders and greeted classmates as she made her way towards the bathroom. 

She knew almost every person in the club. They were familiar faces, and they beckoned her to their side, knowing that Cris’ presence on a night of celebration was sure to bring more fun than any other. Cris followed her impulses when no one else would. And that, she thought, was what made her special. 

The line to the girl’s bathroom seemed to go on for kilometers, and Cris did not feel like waiting for it. She was not wasting a second of such a precious night. She shrugged and pushed her way into the boy’s room. 

She knew she had made the right decision as soon as she saw her boys in the bathroom stall smoking a small joint. She laughed as they frantically slammed the stall door shut, before they realized it was her, and not a bar manager or someone who would get them in trouble. 

She embraced Hugo and handed him her drink before walking into one of the stalls. She knew that he would drink it, but she didn’t really mind. After all, it was his 18th birthday. She knew that he would never get the shot she promised him, so this would have to do. 

She liked listening to them bicker as they smoked. Lucas finally felt comfortable, now that he was out, and it made a world of difference in the group dynamic. They laughed and teased one another with an ease that only comes from growing up together. She knew the feeling from when she was with Amira. Being with her was easy. Cris never felt safer than when she was with her best friend. 

With one last hurrah to her audience, Cris left the bathroom to hunt for another drink. 

***

Cris didn’t have any money, and unfortunately the bartender would not give her any free shots. That’s why it was a blessing when her brother walked into the club. She always borrowed from Dani, and he didn’t mind enough to make a big fuss. 

Holy shit... Dani had pills. Cris didn’t think twice before swiping them. She glanced around to see if anybody noticed before slipping them into her pack. If being drunk was this good, then imagine being high too. She felt a shiver of excitement run down her spine as she called Eva over. 

They took the pills together, one each, and waited to see what would happen. She felt the heat surge in her body as she danced, the ecstasy and alcohol mixing into a beautiful poison. Her heart sped up, and her pupils blew wide. She could feel her perspective shift, everything fast and disorienting. It was wonderful. 

Christian came up to her and Eva; he only had eyes for her. Cris looked on in amusement as she and Eva gasped and laughed. Of course they weren’t high, just very warm and a little drunk. “I’m guNNa go smOke.” She giggled. Cris winked at Eva and gestures at Christian. Eva slaps her shoulder playfully, laughing as she moves away. 

*** 

The cool caress of the night air is a relief.  
Cris lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She puts her hands on her head and inhales deeply. She approaches the bench outside of the bar and sits down. Cris needed this night. She thinks about all of her friends inside, the chance that they would have all ended up together. A wry smile drifts across her face as she thinks about each of her friends in turn.

“Hello” says a voice from her left. It shakes her from her contemplation. She looks up, startled, to see a girl with pale skin and purple hair. 

“I’m Joana.” Says the girl. Cris says nothing instead she makes a face. She feels awkwardness coil in her stomach. She cannot for the life of her remember Joana and why she was supposed to know her.  
Joanna seems to sense Cris’ brewing panic. "From literature class.” She says. 

“Right!” says Cris “the new girl. I’m Cris”  
“Yeah, I know.” Says Joana. She grins as she slides towards Cris, one arm opening into a side hug. She kisses both of Cris’ cheeks, placing her hand ever so gently on her shoulder. 

Cris’ eyelashes flutter as Joana pulls away. She’s sitting much closer than she was before. Joana sighs, and then takes a drag on her cigarette.

Cris is suddenly struck by how _beautiful_ Joana looks in the moonlight. Her features are Grecian, pale like marble and soft under the gentle glow. Her features are delicate, but sharp. Her nose is straight and Romanesque, sloping down her face and ending in a point. He lips are a pale pink, drawn up ever so slightly at the corners. Her jaw is sharp, and Cris can see the barest hint of an Adam’s apple as Joana takes another drag. What really gets Cris are her eyes. They’re warm and brown, so rich she feels like she’s falling into them the longer she looks. They’re so lovely and so sad. Cris feels like she could stay and look at those eyes forever. 

Cris realizes she’s staring, but doesn’t look away until Joana turns back towards her. She feels her eyes on her. Cris shakes her head ever so slightly, and begins rummaging through her fanny pack for her cigarettes. She needs something to do with her hands.  
Cris focuses on keeping her fingers from trembling as she searches, coming up dry. Well that’s unfortunate, Cris could really use a cig to calm her down. 

“You can have some of mine if you want.” Joana’s slender hand proffers the smoke like it’s an olive branch between them.  
Cris smiles. “Thank you.” She takes a drag. She can feel the weight of Joana’s gaze. It’s heavy, but not unwelcome. 

They’re quiet for a moment. They each realize that they have no real reason to talk to one another, other than that they want to. There is something magnetic here. Cris needs a reason to do something, anything. 

“So, why did you come here after the school year started? It’s weird, right?” asks Cris. 

Joana’s face lights up, immediately distracted. She completely ignores Cris’ question.  
“Dude this song, this is _the_ song.” Cris looked at her, confused. “You’ve never seen Blue is the Warmest Color?”  
“No.”  
“You haven’t seen Blue is the Warmest Color?!” Joana flailed back and forth, trying to illustrate her point. Her eyes were glinting mischievously.  
“I don’t know what that is.”  
“Wow.” Joana clasped her hands in front of her face and grinned. “It’s a movie from a couple of years ago. Maybe you were too young and your Mommy wouldn’t let you watch it.”  
Cris clutched her chest in mock insult and let out a small gasp. She screwed up her face and tried to look appropriately offended. Cris bit back a smile.  
“Well you have to see it okay, for real.” Said Joana  
“Okay.” 

There was a pause where they both faced the bar, unable to look at one another. It only lasted about 5 seconds, but it felt like an hour. Cris clasped her hands under her knees, the cigarette long forgotten. Then, Joana moved. 

“Fuck girl, look.” Then she clasped Cris’ hand at the wrist and lifted it to her chest, right above her heart. Her hand pressed gently against the back of Cris’ hand. Her finger pressed in the spaces between Cris’ fingers, almost holding her hand. 

Joana’s heart was racing. She was looking at her with those dark eyes. Cris was drifting into them. 

“Don’t you ever feel like a certain song will stir you up inside?” asked Joana. Cris’ eyelashes flutter as she thought about it. Of course there were songs- her train of thought was cut short as Joana leaned in and placed her hand on Cris’ chest. 

Cris looked down at Joana’s dark nails, her slender fingers pressed gently against her clavicle. Their pallor stood out starkly against Cris’ black top. Her silver ring glinted. Cris felt the coolness of Joana’s skin seep through her clothes, soothing her. Then, she felt her heart skip a beat, and then speed up. It had been so long since Cris had felt her heart stir. She gasped softly. 

“Well, I’m not the only one.” Said Joana “Your heart is racing.” 

Her eyes locked on Cris, darting to her lips and then focusing again on her eyes. Cris let out a breath she hadn’t realized that she was holding, an amazed smile curling up her face. Cris felt herself lean forward, her gaze flickering to Joana’s mouth. 

She felt the electricity surge though her body, making her hair stand on end. The place where Joana’s hand met her breastbone was charged. It soothed and excited her all at once. Her heart beat even faster, and Cris felt herself begin to lean forward. Her lower lip quivered. She couldn’t imagine how good it would feel if they kissed. It was already wonderful and overwhelming and captivating in a way that Cris could not articulate, and never would be able to explain.

It was just a simple touch, but it was so much more than that. She couldn’t remember a time when she had wanted so ardently, with such quiet desperation. This was something special; something she had never known was possible. She was enraptured by this girl whom she had known for less than two minutes. She wanted to pull Joana to her mouth, and she wanted to rip Joana’s hand off of her and run in the other direction as fast as she could. She wanted to escape from the staggering weight of it all. 

Before either of them could make a move, Rubén sat next to Cris, breaking the spell over them. Cris flinched backwards, and Joana’s hand hung limply by her side. Cris smiled vacantly at Rubén as she passed him the cigarette. A sickening mix of anger, disappointment, and relief rushed through her. Rubén talked and Cris responded to the best of her ability. She was bored and irritated by his presence. It wasn't that her was a bad person, but that he was imposing on something very important that did not involve him in the slightest. 

She was almost relieved when Eva pulled her back into the bar. When she realized that shit was about to go down, and she did not have the pills to return, she knew they had to run. Cris pushed Eva in front of her and headed for the door, but then she froze. 

Joana had come into the party. She was haloed by blue light, making her even more strange and beautiful. Cris could not go. What if the drug dealer went after her because she talked to Cris, what if Cris never saw her again. 

Cris’ feet were as heavy as river stones. She could do nothing but stand there and stare at Joana. 

Of course it was horrible and terrifying having a drug dealer scream into her face about his missing pills. His expression was wild and he frothed at the mouth as he stalked towards Cris. Her heart stilled, calming back to her normal rhythm as here gaze was pulled away from Joana. This was frightening, yes, but escapable. Cris was excellent at getting out of trouble. So despite her panic, she maintained her composure and gave nothing away. 

Rubén and Dani protected her, leading the frothing man away. They went out of the bar and up the hill. 

For the first time, Cris did not enjoy having all her classmate’s eyes on her. She felt color rise to her cheeks, and she tried to make herself small. This, of course, was an impossible task. Making Cris invisible at a party was as easy as hiding an elephant in an empty, white room.

Cris pressed her palm to her forehead as the surveyed the mess she made, and, at the end of the night, Cris tried to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should just retitle this fic to "every time cris is gay at a party' because so far that's all it is. 
> 
> Anyway I think about the first like 3 clips from episode one all the time. The one minute montage at the beginning of the episode is a masterpiece showing you what p much all of the major players are doing and how they're feeling at this party. 
> 
> DOnt even get me started on the transition from when cris is in the bar to the outside of the bar where she meets joana, the whole atmosphere changes in the best way. It really captures the peace of leaving a really fun party for a bit to collect yourself. 
> 
> Also Cris and Joana's first scene?!?!?! incredible. I literally could analyzes it for hours. I should have been and English major, but organic chemistry caught me first and here we are suffering through a blisteringly hot summer and a very hard class. 
> 
> anyway tell me what you think of this chapter y'all, your comments are what keeps me writing. Also if there is a jarring shift in writing style it's because I'v been reading a neil gamin book and am easily influenced.

**Author's Note:**

> I got so sick of the lack of fic that I wrote one myself.  
> If y’all want my tumblr so you can go bother me lmk in the comments.


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